get it for me:
Friday, August 31, 2007
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Peking Dogg - Lesson 1: 拉肚子 (lah-DOO-dzuh)
Many of you worldly readers may be familiar with the concept of Montezuma's Revenge or Travelers Diarrhea; you think you know, but you have no idea.
Let me paint you a picture. Imagine you're walking down the streets of Beijing. Friendly street vendors beckon you to survey their wares, cute Chinese children run circles around their mothers, rows of parked bicycles line the sidewalks, and a charming old Chinese man approaches you with a cart full of delicious looking kebabs. This delightful display of various raw meats on skewers is called Chuanr (chwahr). Don't eat Chuanr.
This is Chuanr. Don't eat Chuanr
These meats, smothered in fragrant sauces and herbs probably came from a dead camel someone found a month prior on the side of garbage-covered road, hundreds of miles away from the camel's natural habitat. In the rare event that the meat is good, USDA approved, prime beef, it will be fried in the same oil with the camel meat. It looks delicious; it might even taste delicious, but if you eat it, you will, undoubtedly, get 拉肚子 (lah-DOO-dzuh).
To better explain 拉肚子 I've created what I call the 拉肚子 Scale:
1-------2-------3-------4-------5-------6-------7-------8-------9-------10
Normal Solid ___________Soft Poo ________________________拉肚子
On any given day in America, you probably experience about a 1-3 on the 拉肚子 Scale, with normal consistency, brown poo. Ate a whole dish of Chicken Tikka Masala and a few samosas last night? You might move up to a 4. Travel to Europe or Latin America and you're likely to reach the "Soft Poo" level of the 拉肚子 Scale, featuring a liquid consistency, but no discomfort. Then you get to China. Soft poo is almost a guarantee on a daily basis, but eat some Chuanr, and you're moving up to full on 拉肚子. Anticipate working up a sweat on the toilet. Vomitting is likely. Also, the toilet (if you're lucky to have one that flushes) will probably get clogged. Furthermore, you'll have to throw your used toilet paper in the trash, because that's how Chinese people do.
In closing, never leave your house.
A Dogg out.
Let me paint you a picture. Imagine you're walking down the streets of Beijing. Friendly street vendors beckon you to survey their wares, cute Chinese children run circles around their mothers, rows of parked bicycles line the sidewalks, and a charming old Chinese man approaches you with a cart full of delicious looking kebabs. This delightful display of various raw meats on skewers is called Chuanr (chwahr). Don't eat Chuanr.
This is Chuanr. Don't eat Chuanr
These meats, smothered in fragrant sauces and herbs probably came from a dead camel someone found a month prior on the side of garbage-covered road, hundreds of miles away from the camel's natural habitat. In the rare event that the meat is good, USDA approved, prime beef, it will be fried in the same oil with the camel meat. It looks delicious; it might even taste delicious, but if you eat it, you will, undoubtedly, get 拉肚子 (lah-DOO-dzuh).
To better explain 拉肚子 I've created what I call the 拉肚子 Scale:
1-------2-------3-------4-------5-------6-------7-------8-------9-------10
Normal Solid ___________Soft Poo ________________________拉肚子
On any given day in America, you probably experience about a 1-3 on the 拉肚子 Scale, with normal consistency, brown poo. Ate a whole dish of Chicken Tikka Masala and a few samosas last night? You might move up to a 4. Travel to Europe or Latin America and you're likely to reach the "Soft Poo" level of the 拉肚子 Scale, featuring a liquid consistency, but no discomfort. Then you get to China. Soft poo is almost a guarantee on a daily basis, but eat some Chuanr, and you're moving up to full on 拉肚子. Anticipate working up a sweat on the toilet. Vomitting is likely. Also, the toilet (if you're lucky to have one that flushes) will probably get clogged. Furthermore, you'll have to throw your used toilet paper in the trash, because that's how Chinese people do.
In closing, never leave your house.
A Dogg out.
Saturday, August 25, 2007
Thursday, August 23, 2007
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
I got MEOWED AT on the subway last week.
While waiting for the uptown 1 train at 42nd street last week, I inadvertently got in the way of an angry Hispanic man in a wife beater. I was standing on the yellow line minding my own business, and I guess he decided I wasn’t appropriately positioned on the platform, because he responded by making an animal noise. That’s never happened to me before, but I can only assume it was a negative reaction. This sound was actually less of a meow and more towards the hiss end of the cat noise spectrum. It can only be expressed in writing as MEOW!, but if you would like to hear what it actually sounded like, I would be happy to reproduce it for you in person. This was clearly an instinctual response for this guy. In his mind, he thought, “bitch, get out of my way,” but what came out of his mouth was “MEOW!” I couldn’t even react except to immediately get out of the way, because when someone meows at you in the subway in new york, you get the fuck out of the way. As did the guy standing on the other side of me, with whom I exchanged a look of “what the fuck was that?” immediately following the incident. I don't even know what else to say about this.
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