Homo-Alert: Australia

As if you needed another reason besides Jemaine's cockandballs to hate all over Australia, check out this fucked up piece of news which caught my eye during my routine morning googlization of "hang spoons from nipples":

PERTH, Australia (AFP) — An Australian barmaid who entertained patrons by crushing beer cans between her bare breasts and hanging spoons off her nipples has been fined, police said Wednesday. Luana De Faveri, 31, was fined 1,000 dollars while an off-duty colleague, Tracey Leslie, 43, has been fined 500 dollars for hanging spoons from De Faveri's nipples.

Um, what a bunch of queerballs. Crushing beer cans between your bare breasts is awesome and HARD, y'all, just ask Diana. That shit is an art, and that barmaid is an artist, it's like if someone tried to fine Robbie Williams.

Also, I wish I had an off-duty colleague who'd fucking hang spoons off my nipples! In the past every time I'd ask Lily to help me out she'd get all coy and say "now now, you know I can't give away my secret techniques" and I'd say "Uch spread the WEALTH" but recently when we went to the Tyra Banks show and had to pass through metal detectors for Tyra's protection the truth came out as Lily whispered to the security guard "I can't go through there, my nipples are magnetic." CHEATER!

In any case, I knew I never liked Australia, what with their koala wrestling and those motherfucking Outback Steakhouse commercials, but this tatter-intolerance seals the deal yo.

no title needed, or, genitalia continued.

Anderson Cooper: Snake Handler

That's right, Anderson Cooper, Dr. Sanjay Gupta, and Jeff Corwin are at it again getting us to love the environment. But more importantly, Anderson Cooper is holding an enormous snake near his crotch, leading in the general direction of Jeff Corwin's face. Enough said.

A Dogg out.

P.S.
Check out those biceps! Damn!

Hey, Remember When Diana Spent the Summer in Turkey?

Last week an enraged and elderly Turk shot a man to death for banging on his wife and then he cut off the penis to boot!

Gunman Severs Victim's Penis

A police statement said the 76-year-old Turk confronted the other man, 58, at a bus stop in Wimpassing near Vienna on Wednesday, shot him at close range, sliced off the man's penis with a kitchen knife and laid it beside him before fleeing.

The gunman was arrested in a nearby apartment building, offering no resistance. During questioning, he admitted the killing and said he was relieved "because he had rescued his honor," the statement said.

Yay! I love a severed penis story, and this one's especially delicious because of the foreign elderly and gunfight factors. I really like that not only did this Turk wait to cut the penis until after the guy was already dead, but that he "sliced" it using a kitchen knife. Yum! Also I'm loving that he took the time to "lay it beside him before fleeing." That shows real style and professional pride and on a Romanian man chopping off his own penis thinking it was a chicken scale of foreign severed penises stories this rates a 6 or 7 at. least.

Related: How much better would the word "penis" be if it were spelled "peanus" ?

ok, richard branson, we're impressed.

You can stop doing stupid shit now. Anyone who looks like this in a harness:


should not be wearing a harness.

Apparently, to celebrate the launch of Virgin America, he decided to jump off of a 400 foot building and on his way down throw a shitload of plane tickets into the air, as well as permanently destroy his ability to have children. I would feel sorrier for him if I didn't just find the following quote:

"Sometimes," Branson says, "I do wake up in the mornings and feel like I've just had the most incredible dream. I've just dreamt my life."

And now, thanks to your balls, I have nightmares.

Peking Dogg - Lesson 2: Drunk Chinese Girl

Yes, yes, thank you， thank you. I have, at long last, returned to LOLZ!!1!

Just shut up and listen would you?!? God...

Anyway, so I was out on Tuesday night, waking up Beijing at 2 in the morning in an area of town called 五道口 (wudaokou). I was enjoying an individual-sized pitcher of beer at a delightful little outdoor beer garden, when, out of nowhere, the chair beneath my portly friend (who shall, for my sake, remain nameless) suddenly collapsed. Obviously Chinese craftsmanship is not up to the task of enormous American tokhesim.

Then, I hear to my right, a muffled giggling noise, as if from behind a fan.

I turn around to find a table of three very drunk Chinese girls laughing spastically while covering their mouths with their tiny Chinese midget hands. A little tipsy myself, I invited them to sit with us in broken Chinese. There were 4 of us men, one of whom had a girlfriend, and three drunken Chinese girls. Perfect! For some reason this hook-up math went through my head, as if I cared. I think it's just programmed in there. I have the opposite of Yellow Fever; they're just too small! Why am I in this country? I wanna go home....

But I digress... Where was I? Oh right, three drunken Chinese girls sitting at our table. None of us really speak the others' language. Recipe for success. I forget how it started --I think the Chinese girl sitting next to me claimed her shot of hard liquor had more alcohol than my pitcher of beer -- but somehow the night gradually became a drinking contest between myself and the already trashed 85 pound Chinese girl sitting next to me. Oh boy...

After a few more drinks and a few attempts by my friends to get me to hook up with this girl, she was lying face down on our table mumbling: "So sorry, so sorry. There is wrong in my heart. I love love." [Insert Chinese accent] This was a euphemism for I want a boyfriend not a random hook-up. For some reason I tried to explain to her that in America would don't love love, we just love play. If it helps explain my actions that night, you might want to know I ended up puking outside a migrant worker camp.

So I think I blacked out around this time but I'm pretty sure I have a date with her on Friday and her name is "Candy" in my phone.

Egg Drop Soup.

Ms. Dogg

P.S.
Did you know you can insert hyperlinks?!?

ATTENTION: URGENT

Ladies and Gentlemen, this is not a test. We are looking for any information you might have on one Rico Hernandez, pictured below.


We have reason to believe that he may be friends with one or all of the reader(s?) of this blog.

Among his known associates are the following:

Christopher "Chris" Duffy
Raphael Sacks
A. Dogg
Molliver
The L Word
and Allison Kline

It is imperative that we determine the nature of this man's character, and for what he has come.

Hiiiiiiiick!

Living with a goddamn hick definitely has its ups, like how I never ever have to worry about the house being out of ketchup, and also its downs, like when I say "mm this juice is delicious" and Hick says "innit?"

In the past weeks I have caught sight of the following startling bumpkin erupt out of that girl:

- Hick bobbing in front of the toaster-oven in apparent anticipation of the MUFFIN which she removes from said t.o. and then FROSTs with extreme glee; this has happened on two separate occasions

- Hick, upon learning that whenever the toilet is flushed a pipe leaks, determining that she'll "just have to pee in the bathtub again"

- Hick making out with a middle aged pickle vendor at the Medieval Fair (yes)

- Hick exclaiming "It's Thursday night and I don't have any work to do, let's go to the Dollar Store" in elation

- Hick pointing at the TV and squealing "WHOO YEE PEYTON MANNING!" having seen some kind of football ad

- Hick referring to a jank City Sun Tanning commercial as "the classiest fucking commericial I've ever seen"

BONUS Hick IM conversation:
10:53
BEEEEPEP BEPP BEEEP BEP DEE DEEP
10:53
OOOOGA bunga
cowabunga dude
10:53
chimmmmm chiim chim chim chim charreee
10:54
fleep a dee deep

OMG Do You Think There Is An Age Limit for Campers?

Circus Camp Director

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Reply to: job-440118561@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-10-04, 4:14PM EDT


Summer camp seeking a Director for Circus Camp program. Circus/performance experience and camp experience required. Day camp program operates from June 30-Aug 22.