Tuesday, December 25, 2007

OCTOBABY

Ok, so I'm not even sure if anyone reads this anymore (...or ever), but i just want to put this out there:

AAAAHHH OH MY GOD EWWWWW. this girl MERGED with her parasitic twin and has 2 spines and 2 sets of major organs (including her stomach! think about how much this girl can EAT!). i'm pretty sure she got an operation to normalize herself but still. EW.

merry christmas!

Friday, December 14, 2007

Doug: The College Years

This made me laugh and cry. Well I actually cried because it made me laugh so hard Fanta came out my nose and the little bubbles hurt a lot. And to be honest I didn't really cry, I just sort of teared up as I said fuck a lot. Anyway. This is maaaaaaaaad funny.

Friday, December 7, 2007

wow, the japanese really know how to get things done

I LOVE JAPAN! but molly may not. here are two reasons why (NOTE: these are actual inventions):


I am loving the above sentiment. Look how happy that Dad looks! awwwwww. (is that a real baby?)

And just in case that wasn't weird/gross/lactose-full enough for you:
yeah.

PS Adogg: if you happen to see either of these things whilst in Asia, please retrieve them for me. This is imperative.

Thursday, December 6, 2007

A Guide to London: Part 1. Sketch both fun and unfun.

So. I’ve failed as a cultural correspondent. It seems that going out and having fun / a lot of school work, makes you not want to write about some of the strange shit that has gone down around you. So now, trying to procrastinate from writing one of the dumbest essays I’ve ever had to write I shall start sketching (10 points for the pun. Count it!) out my impressions of London. I’m going to start out with the super sketch stuff because it’s more fun. So come, take my hand and lets breath in deep some of the Big Smoke.

So you want drugs do you? Well that’s good news because they are fucking everywhere. And apparently everybody wants to sell them to you. I’m not joking about that either, you walk two feet into Soho or Camden (or fuck it just leave the Tube Station in Camden) and around 15 people will try to sell you some crazy shit. Pills (on the way to a club called Fabric a friend of mine bought nine pills for ten pounds, she told me she doesn’t normally buy pills of the street she only buys pills from people she knows. After swallowing the first pill she says “Well… I can taste the speed,” and then takes two more. Double bonus points: the girl doesn’t really drink or smoke up. Kids here are nuts), poppers (I don’t even know what a popper is but my English friend told me it’s like a wippit and glue huffing mixed together. I then asked him if he ever huffed glue. He said “Fook off brov’, what ie do in my own time is my own biz. Ya goot that.”), pot, coke (when my mom came to visit me some guy we walked past and says “Hey lady you wanna buy your kid some blow?” Amazing.), and once I got offered smack and then another time Viagra. That was a confusing one. But then my friend told me that when you are in a brothel neighbourhood (such as Soho or Camden) guys just sell that shit. Brothel neighbourhoods? “Yeah brothel neighbourhoods.” I don’t see any brothels. “You see those open doors that say ‘models’, well that’s a brothel.” No way! The cops don’t care? “Nope as long as it’s not advertised as sex, or soliciting on the street cops don’t give a shit. Pot is decriminalized too, I could take out a little baggie and wave it in a cops face and all he would do is tell me to fuck off.” Holy shit! England is like the prim and proper version of Amsterdam! Except because it’s not really legal it still fuels all sorts of crime and nastiness so they set up cameras everywhere and track you at all time, that gives London this 1984esq vibe. Only place I’ve ever been where you need ID to get out of places. Way to fucking go England! Generally don’t buy drugs off of people on the street. In fact, just don’t talk to people on the street. Or make eye contact. Why? Well that leads me to my next little section.

The people of the city of London will try and fight you for any reason. ANY REASON. These are all true reasons why I have almost gotten beaten up (one of these happened to a friend in all fairness and not me): Because of being bumped into on a packed dance floor. Talking to a girl that another person was looking at from across the room. Being from America. Being from somewhere other then England. Sitting on a bus. Asking a man to put his dog back on a leash (this resulted in a kid on my floor getting a huge black eye). Momentarily making eye contact. Not liking a band. Not understanding their drunken slurred English. Mentioning colonialism in a non positive light. Talking shit about the Queen. And finally just generally being alive. I have managed to weasel and apologize my way out of every confrontation I’ve found myself in. Other people have not been so lucky.

However watching street fights can be endlessly amusing. The best time to look for said street brawls are between the hours of 2am and 4am, in one of these three locations: Camden, Kings Cross, or Fargington. Soho is another possibility but not a guaranty. Well its 3am and you are in one of the three afore mentioned places. What do you do now you ask? Find a Kabab shop. Stand to the side and wait, back up against a wall taking up as little space as possible (this is so nobody bumps into you and then punches you in the face for being a “wanker.” I have seen this happen). Wait. One will start. They can be pretty funny. Hearing them shout in their accents thinks like “You fookin’ cunt!” never gets old. The repartee is generally witty with responses such as “No! You are the fookin’ cunt!” and “Blllllllargacuntaaargagesav.” How can it not be good times.

Good times until somebody gets stabbed that is. There’s an average of around 180 something stabbings a day here. And it’s not like NY were you really need to antagonize somebody to get stabbed. Apparently people just go buck fucking wild with stabbings here. Let me give you an example of why this is very very scary.

If you get into a fight in NY, the worst that will generally happen is that you get beaten badly and the offender will flag down a cab (if he or she is kind), or just leave you on the side walk.

If you get into a fight in London, there is about a 25% chance that the person you are fighting will whip out a knife and kill you. There is also a 5% chance somebody who is just watching will whip out a knife and kill you, because - fuck - why not. Its not like the cops actually catch these people.

If you are mugged in NY, the mugger may brandish a knife and tell you to give him all of your money, cell phone, and iPod or whatever. You give them to him. He tells you not to move for two min and then runs away. You are scared shitless, but alive.

If you are mugged in London, the mugger will come up to you ask you for a smoke. You will take out your pack and then hand them one. They will then stab you several times in the gut, take your pack of smokes, your wallet, your cell phone, your jacket if its not bloody, and your shoes then run off into the night.

Oh yeah, on a side note, I read in the paper this morning that some dude is running around south London whacking people with a meat cleaver. Like running up. Wacking. Then running away. He hasn’t killed anybody yet but he has caused some damage. What the fuck is up with this town?

Now dear readers please wait six more weeks for my next instalment. Pubs Clubs and Drinks.

LDR out.

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

Things I never knew. And Maybe Wish I Didn’t.

So I was talking to these two girls here in my dorm about getting high. We were talking about things we like to do while high: watching movies, reading, doing arty things, and what have you…When I said oh shit! We forgot the best thing to do while high. One of the girls turned to me and said “Sleep?” Very close I said. Fuck! The girl who said sleep looks over and says: “Hell no.” And I’m just flat out astounded. How is that possible, I ask her? “I have a thing about being touched when I’m high. I don’t like it. It makes having sex while stoned nearly impossible.” Fair play. The other girl agrees with me that it is, indeed, wonderful. And then drops this little gem. “But only sometimes.” And so I ask her why only sometimes…and well there is a long pause while she thinks about what she is going to say next.


“Well you know how you sometimes you cottonmouth when you get high?”

Sure I said.

“Yeah…well…”

I drink some water? I mean if you drink some water, kissing isn’t bad at all while stoned. You can nip that cottonmouth right in the bud. Drink some water, make out, drink some water. Fuck. Drink some water. No need to really worry about cottonmouthing if you are prepared, says I.

“No. You don’t get it. I’m not really talking about cottonmouth. I’m talking about cotton…you know

Wah Huh?

Neither of the girls say anything and just stare at me.

Oooooh. I get it! Cottonvag!

Wait what?

No fucking way!

“Exactly.”


I never even thought about that. I mean I guess it makes sense. But I’m wondering if this is a unique problem or a widespread problem. So I ask you ladies of this blog and fellow female posters, is cottonvag a problem? Like for real? Inquiring minds wish to know!

LDR out.

Saturday, December 1, 2007


the other night momoneymobitches and i were out smoking on our fire escape and we watched a bald man get naked and put his ass to the window and pray like in a mosque

it was nice

Saturday, November 17, 2007

Peking Dogg Lesson 3: 打飞机

This is just a quick vocab lesson. The Chinese slang for "to cum" is 打飞机 (da feiji) or "hit the airplane." Just thought I'd let you know.

Thursday, November 8, 2007

It's true, ass city

BREAKING NEWS....actually, not all.


Shmo**
AIM
7:39
if only i were gay
7:39
man
7:39
if i were gay
7:39
i'd get soooooooooooooooo much ass
7:40
it would be out of control

molls****
AIM
7:41
AAHAHH
7:41
youre right
7:41
do you think about that a lot?

Shmo**
AIM
7:41
sometimes
7:41
when i get lonely
7:42
i think to myself
7:42
if i were gay
7:42
i wouldn't be lonely
7:42
so then i try think about a man sexually. And instead of getting hard i wanna throw up a little. So i guess its just a moot point
7:42
but man
7:42
the sudden realization that i was gay
7:42
would be a blessing
7:43
most people would probably freak out
7:43
i would just think
7:43
oh shit i'm never going to have to worry about ejaculating ever again

molls****
AIM
7:45
i dont even know where to begin

Shmo**
AIM
7:45
its true
7:45
ass city
7:45
curse my genetics for making me straight
7:45
have you ever thought of what a gay bar or lesbian bar is acutally like for them?
7:45
YOU CAN FUCK EVERYBODY THEIR
7:45
EVERY SINGLE PERSON IN THAT BAR
7:46
IS OPEN TO YOU FUCKING THEM
7:46
a normal bar
7:46
have guys half girls
7:46
all competing for the other half
7:46
so not only do you have to worry about finding the right girl who is appealing to you
7:46
you have to worry about the other half of the bar
7:46
getting to her first

molls****
AIM
7:47
what else attracts you about the gay lifestyle?

Shmo**
AIM
7:47
you can say sexist things and get away with it


There's more but it gets freaky and raw and this is a family blog.

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

The Craziest Shit I've Ever Done


So, last night, after going to a German restaurant and drinking all-you-can-drink beer until closing time, I decided it would be a great idea to break into the Chinese Olympic Stadium, also known as The Bird's Nest, and steal some shit.

So after getting dropped off by the cab near some gate to a migrant worker camp, my three friends and myself start planning our entrance. We knew how to say International Olympic Quality Committee in Chinese, so we decided to go with that. We're American inspectors for the International Olympic Quality Committee coming to inspect the construction of the new stadium. And just in case, we all had 100 RMB bills in our hands.

We walked through the gate, and started to celebrate, thinking we'd just made it into the stadium without any problems, then a guard started shouting at us and we freeze. This is when our first stroke of genius comes in. The guard tells us we have to leave, but, in broken Chinese, we plead that we just want to look around and we're Americans and we can't make it to the Olympics so we just want to see the beautiful stadium because it's so impressive. After about 10 minutes of this, he finally lets us in, for a price of course...

So we were on the compound, but we had to cross a field that reminded me of 1942 Stalingrad. Trenches, barbed wire, heavy machinery, and flood lights were everywhere. We cross the field, avoiding several guards and workers, and get to the stadium itself. Well, then there was nothing to do but start climbing. After finding a staircase, we climbed over the guardrail and starting walking up to the top tier. This is when stroke of genius no. 2 hits, and we decide we should probably piss everywhere. One of my friends drops a deuce in the middle of the stairwell. It was not pretty, but it had to be done.

Finally we get to the top tier, after running across a steel girder spanning a 200 foot drop. This is about when I called fellow bloggers, only one of whom answered. You know who you are.

Ok, this is getting long, so I'll sum up. We got out into the seats (which was an amazing view) and found a box and decided it needed to be opened, and it turned out it contained like 15 seats that hadn't been installed yet, so we all stole one. Now I have a seat from the Olympics in my closet sitting on my laundry and I have to find a way to bring it home and turn it into a chair so I can put it in my room at school and show it off.

Ok I'm out.

A Dogg

Sunday, October 28, 2007

Homo-Alert: Australia

As if you needed another reason besides Jemaine's cockandballs to hate all over Australia, check out this fucked up piece of news which caught my eye during my routine morning googlization of "hang spoons from nipples":

PERTH, Australia (AFP) — An Australian barmaid who entertained patrons by crushing beer cans between her bare breasts and hanging spoons off her nipples has been fined, police said Wednesday. Luana De Faveri, 31, was fined 1,000 dollars while an off-duty colleague, Tracey Leslie, 43, has been fined 500 dollars for hanging spoons from De Faveri's nipples.

Um, what a bunch of queerballs. Crushing beer cans between your bare breasts is awesome and HARD, y'all, just ask Diana. That shit is an art, and that barmaid is an artist, it's like if someone tried to fine Robbie Williams.


Also, I wish I had an off-duty colleague who'd fucking hang spoons off my nipples! In the past every time I'd ask Lily to help me out she'd get all coy and say "now now, you know I can't give away my secret techniques" and I'd say "Uch spread the WEALTH" but recently when we went to the Tyra Banks show and had to pass through metal detectors for Tyra's protection the truth came out as Lily whispered to the security guard "I can't go through there, my nipples are magnetic." CHEATER!


In any case, I knew I never liked Australia, what with their koala wrestling and those motherfucking Outback Steakhouse commercials, but this tatter-intolerance seals the deal yo.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

no title needed, or, genitalia continued.

Anderson Cooper: Snake Handler


That's right, Anderson Cooper, Dr. Sanjay Gupta, and Jeff Corwin are at it again getting us to love the environment. But more importantly, Anderson Cooper is holding an enormous snake near his crotch, leading in the general direction of Jeff Corwin's face. Enough said.

A Dogg out.

P.S.
Check out those biceps! Damn!

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Hey, Remember When Diana Spent the Summer in Turkey?

Last week an enraged and elderly Turk shot a man to death for banging on his wife and then he cut off the penis to boot!

Gunman Severs Victim's Penis

A police statement said the 76-year-old Turk confronted the other man, 58, at a bus stop in Wimpassing near Vienna on Wednesday, shot him at close range, sliced off the man's penis with a kitchen knife and laid it beside him before fleeing.

The gunman was arrested in a nearby apartment building, offering no resistance. During questioning, he admitted the killing and said he was relieved "because he had rescued his honor," the statement said.


Yay! I love a severed penis story, and this one's especially delicious because of the foreign elderly and gunfight factors. I really like that not only did this Turk wait to cut the penis until after the guy was already dead, but that he "sliced" it using a kitchen knife. Yum! Also I'm loving that he took the time to "lay it beside him before fleeing." That shows real style and professional pride and on a Romanian man chopping off his own penis thinking it was a chicken scale of foreign severed penises stories this rates a 6 or 7 at. least.

Related: How much better would the word "penis" be if it were spelled "peanus" ?

Saturday, October 13, 2007

ok, richard branson, we're impressed.

You can stop doing stupid shit now. Anyone who looks like this in a harness:


should not be wearing a harness.

Apparently, to celebrate the launch of Virgin America, he decided to jump off of a 400 foot building and on his way down throw a shitload of plane tickets into the air, as well as permanently destroy his ability to have children. I would feel sorrier for him if I didn't just find the following quote:

"Sometimes," Branson says, "I do wake up in the mornings and feel like I've just had the most incredible dream. I've just dreamt my life."

And now, thanks to your balls, I have nightmares.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Peking Dogg - Lesson 2: Drunk Chinese Girl


Yes, yes, thank you, thank you. I have, at long last, returned to LOLZ!!1!

Just shut up and listen would you?!? God...

Anyway, so I was out on Tuesday night, waking up Beijing at 2 in the morning in an area of town called 五道口 (wudaokou). I was enjoying an individual-sized pitcher of beer at a delightful little outdoor beer garden, when, out of nowhere, the chair beneath my portly friend (who shall, for my sake, remain nameless) suddenly collapsed. Obviously Chinese craftsmanship is not up to the task of enormous American tokhesim.

Then, I hear to my right, a muffled giggling noise, as if from behind a fan.

I turn around to find a table of three very drunk Chinese girls laughing spastically while covering their mouths with their tiny Chinese midget hands. A little tipsy myself, I invited them to sit with us in broken Chinese. There were 4 of us men, one of whom had a girlfriend, and three drunken Chinese girls. Perfect! For some reason this hook-up math went through my head, as if I cared. I think it's just programmed in there. I have the opposite of Yellow Fever; they're just too small! Why am I in this country? I wanna go home....

But I digress... Where was I? Oh right, three drunken Chinese girls sitting at our table. None of us really speak the others' language. Recipe for success. I forget how it started --I think the Chinese girl sitting next to me claimed her shot of hard liquor had more alcohol than my pitcher of beer -- but somehow the night gradually became a drinking contest between myself and the already trashed 85 pound Chinese girl sitting next to me. Oh boy...

After a few more drinks and a few attempts by my friends to get me to hook up with this girl, she was lying face down on our table mumbling: "So sorry, so sorry. There is wrong in my heart. I love love." [Insert Chinese accent] This was a euphemism for I want a boyfriend not a random hook-up. For some reason I tried to explain to her that in America would don't love love, we just love play. If it helps explain my actions that night, you might want to know I ended up puking outside a migrant worker camp.

So I think I blacked out around this time but I'm pretty sure I have a date with her on Friday and her name is "Candy" in my phone.

Egg Drop Soup.

Ms. Dogg

P.S.
Did you know you can insert hyperlinks?!?

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

ATTENTION: URGENT

Ladies and Gentlemen, this is not a test. We are looking for any information you might have on one Rico Hernandez, pictured below.


We have reason to believe that he may be friends with one or all of the reader(s?) of this blog.

Among his known associates are the following:

Christopher "Chris" Duffy
Raphael Sacks
A. Dogg
Molliver
The L Word
and Allison Kline

It is imperative that we determine the nature of this man's character, and for what he has come.

Sunday, October 7, 2007

Hiiiiiiiick!

Living with a goddamn hick definitely has its ups, like how I never ever have to worry about the house being out of ketchup, and also its downs, like when I say "mm this juice is delicious" and Hick says "innit?"

In the past weeks I have caught sight of the following startling bumpkin erupt out of that girl:

- Hick bobbing in front of the toaster-oven in apparent anticipation of the MUFFIN which she removes from said t.o. and then FROSTs with extreme glee; this has happened on two separate occasions

- Hick, upon learning that whenever the toilet is flushed a pipe leaks, determining that she'll "just have to pee in the bathtub again"

- Hick making out with a middle aged pickle vendor at the Medieval Fair (yes)

- Hick exclaiming "It's Thursday night and I don't have any work to do, let's go to the Dollar Store" in elation

- Hick pointing at the TV and squealing "WHOO YEE PEYTON MANNING!" having seen some kind of football ad

- Hick referring to a jank City Sun Tanning commercial as "the classiest fucking commericial I've ever seen"

BONUS Hick IM conversation:
10:53
BEEEEPEP BEPP BEEEP BEP DEE DEEP
10:53
OOOOGA bunga
cowabunga dude
10:53
chimmmmm chiim chim chim chim charreee
10:54
fleep a dee deep

Thursday, October 4, 2007

OMG Do You Think There Is An Age Limit for Campers?

Circus Camp Director


Reply to: job-440118561@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-10-04, 4:14PM EDT


Summer camp seeking a Director for Circus Camp program. Circus/performance experience and camp experience required. Day camp program operates from June 30-Aug 22.

Thursday, September 27, 2007

Look At That Punim!

So I just found out that this weekend is National Alpaca Farm Day, which has gotten me all hot and bothered for a number of reasons.

First of all, as everyone knows, I LOVE alpacas!... or at least I love the massive alpaca coat I have and how it not only got me through two Massachusetts winters, but also got me 50 cents the time I wore it on the T with fingerless gloves and an empty coffee cup and a lady thought I was homeless.

This is relevant as my plan re: National Alpaca Farm Day, in which you're supposed to travel to your local alpaca farm and get cozy with the inmates, involves the coat in a big way. Basically what I'm thinking is that if I cloak myself in the coat Tobias-on-Blind-Elaine-Benes-style and then approach a beast at my local it'll think I'm a mysterious new lady alpaca and wanna make friends and maybe even give me a snuggle or a ride. WISH ME LUCK!

As excited as I am, however, I do have a few general questions in regards to NAFD:
1) Why is that shit called National Alpaca Farm DAY when the poster and website say that that day is September 29th AND 30th? Lame! Clearly the problem is that most of us have too much alpaca love to cram into just one day, but that's not something we should be hiding! Call it National Alpaca Farm Weekend, NAFD organizers! Embrace that.
2) What is the deal with that neon purple alpaca towards the left of the poster in the background? Is he for real? If so, those are the boots I want definitely.
3) On the NAFD website under "read the details" (?) I noticed that a reason why you should engage in NAFD is that it will "give you an opportunity to learn alpacas and meet new people living this satisfying and rewarding lifestyle." ... Umm, bascuse me? "Learn alpacas"?? At first I thought they meant we could learn alpaca like alpaca language, which would be A.MAZ.ING, but now I'm thinking that this whole "day" is maybe being organized by some goddamn mongoloid OR (could it be?) by the ALPACAS themselves! Either way, something a bit weird is going on and this weekend I'm gonna find out what that something is.

All I know right now is that that 'paca on the left has the cutest lil face I have ever fucking seen.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Stoners In The Mist!

Wow. Thank you, Above the Influence. Through your super-cool ad-campaign which you spread around the Internets, you have really taught me valuable lessons about the dangers of marijuana, which (apparently) include running over cardboard cutouts of people, and, most notably, finding chunks of brownie in your hair (I wish!).

Although the Above The Influence campaign has certainly touched us all, nothing can compare to my anti-drug (and favorite superbowl commercial to date) starring Fieldston's favorite top model, class of '05.

Enjoy (with caution)!

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Monday, September 17, 2007

Harry Potter's Naked Ass Out In Limited Release

Some of you who in youth followed the exploits of a certain nasty immigrant duo may recall my small inclination for Harry Potter and his rock body. Of late, as steadily that body has grown into the form of a man's, so has the lust grown. This is the result of four main factors: 1) the promise that Equus, the London play in which Harry Potter can be seen completely naked and fucking a horse live on stage (see picture), is coming to Broadway, 2) the fact that he turned 18 this summer (awesome because regular rape for sure means lower bail than statutory), 3) this direct invitation, and 4) the emergence of two photos: a gay stripper number, and a cock shot which, though fake, stirred emotions and an investigation by the L word and myself which were very, very real.

So imagine my excitement upon discovering the following:

TeenHollywood: Okay, the boys moon someone in December Boys. Was that a fanny double?

Daniel: [laughs] No. That's me, that's the genuine Radcliffe ass. It certainly is. I'm proud of it. *

OH. GOD. And all that genuine Potter ass pride is just sitting there at 68th st, waiting for me. I think I'm gonna be proud too.

Sunday, September 16, 2007

Working Girl

Greetings from merry old England! I’m the new man around hamburbloggers and I’m here to keep you all up to speed on the goings on in Ye Old London town. I’m sure you will all find that shit very exciting. This story, however, has nothing to do with London, England, or traveling, and may indeed be the sketchiest thing that’s ever happened to me in the city. Enjoy

As I was walking home from mo'money’s house last night (or two nights ago, I have no clue, I’m fucking jet lagged), my leisurely walk home was stopped by a Don’t Walk sign at 103rd and b-way. Being the good, if somewhat fucked up, Samaritan, I of course stop. I’m really not paying that much attention to my surroundings, fantasying about how English people will love me and my charming American ways, when suddenly a sultry feminine voice croons into my ear, “Hey you looking for a date." My first thought was, how does she know that? I am looking for a date. It’s been a while since I’ve been in the dating scene or what have you, but I have been looking to get back in - find the right girl, settle down, have some kids, yadda yadda yadda. But then as the slow gears in my brain start working, I realize that a woman saying that in your ear at 3 a.m. on Broadway has less to do with getting dinner and a movie, a cup of coffee, or a beer, and much more to do with me give her 20 bones for a blowjob. I, feeling very uncomfortable, say "I'm sorry ma'am, I don't have that much money," and try and walk away. She follows me saying, "well how much you got?" This of course, stops me dead in my tracks – part of me wants to see just how far I can get this lady-of-the-night to drop her price, and the sane part of my brain wants to go home without an STD. This is when I actually look at her face, and the part that wants to haggle shuts up. I tell her politely that I'm not looking for a date and keep walking. I think that I'm now in the clear, and that was just something silly that happens sometimes in the city.

Two blocks later her pimp catches up to me. Her motherfucking PIMP. He is a big big scary looking gangbanger, not at all like the Snoop-Dog-cute pimps that you see in movies. This is a fucking scary-guy-trying-to-make-ends-meet-by-selling-the-bodies-
of-women-he-regularly-beats-up pimp. I'm calculating how high pitched and loud I can scream if he tries anything. "Hey Man you looking for a girl?" No I say, and keep walking. He is now walking beside me. "Well I got other girls if you didn't like that one. You want a white girl?" Why the fuck does he have to go and make it all racial? No, I say, beside the oral herpes, that one was fine. He is still following me. "Well would you like some drugs?" No, I'm fine thanks, I already did some tonight and I think I'm good. "Do you wanna come smoke a joint with me?" No thank you. I am humbled by your generosity in sharing your bud, but frankly I'm terrified of you and I just want go home now. "That's cool. Sorry to bother you man. I'm sure you don't need to tell nobody 'bout this. Have a good night." I can't even begin to think who would want to hear about this sir. "Bye." He smiles, showing his teeth, several of which are missing, and a few of them are gold. He then turns around and walks the other way. I keep walking toward my house, never looking behind me, because I'm too terrified he is following me.

So the moral of this story is this: If approached by a lady of the night, don’t tell her you don’t have enough money. Tell her you have none. Also real pimps are scary and yet very polite. Oh and I guess the last moral of the story is that if you wanna buy a cheep hooker you can find them at 103 and b-way.

LDR OUT

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

i wish i looked like this.


Seriously. This kid is 10 weeks old.

Friday, September 7, 2007

True Story

Sam Gilroy's cock is so blindingly bright he has to wear sunglasses when he takes a piss.

OMG BITCHFIGHT

Ms. Dogg, you have gone too far this time. You have forced our hand on this, and now we must formally announce an official bitchfight. We know you know what you did, but our readers (?) may not. Our grievance is threefold:

Firstly, on several occasions you FAILED to escort a sister blogger home as a deranged homeless gentleman screamed salacities in her direction and you looked on in apparent delight. Your conduct in this instance earned you a stern talking-to, but it was that time of the month and you were understandably a little cranky, though you might not want to exclude this potentially serious possibility.

Secondly, as proud Americans, we cannot overlook your occasional betrayal of suggested allegiance to certain fundamentalist Muslim countries. We all know where this slippery slope is headed, and let it be known that we will NOT come visit your ass in Guantanamo. However, we managed to open our hearts once again, only to have them immediately crushed by the most serious offense yet to come.

Said offense is so gruesome that for propriety's sake, we refuse to muddy the virtuous waters of this sacred blog with any details, but let's say it involved the cum-soaked taint of an ex-fieldston girl, a bloodied gerbil, and a Johnny Cash record. This is the last straw, and though it saddens us deeply, we must deliver a dump unto you, our former BFFAEAEAEAEAEAE.

You brought this upon yourself, bitch. It's over.

TOP SECRET SSH DON'T TELL

Omg, being friends with the koolest kid in school has some serious McPerkingtons. Word on the street (the street outside Bungalow 8!!1!!!) is that a certain fieldston celebutante was just offered his second role in a major motion picture.

This news arrives on the heels of his whirlwind European press junket for his appearance in Tony Gilroy's much lauded Michael Clayton. Fresh off the Mediterranean shores, our starlet arrived back in NYC just in time to catch the premiere of pal Clive Owen's new flick Shoot 'Em Up, and it was at the AFTERPARTY Y'ALL that things got fiercest. After briefly eating out Monica Bellucci, bumping shoulders (and lines) with MK, and autographing the cock of the indian guy from Life Aquatic, our man got down to business.

Although one too many crantinis left the blushing blonde a lil hazy on the deetz, he wasn't too drunk to forget to brag about scoring the title role in the following project......

Ladys and gentlemen, we give you Tony Gilroy's new Global-Warming-action-movie-with-a-heart... Captain Planet. OMGZ, THIS IS GONNA BE THE BEST MOVIE SINCE BRATZ!

Saturday, September 1, 2007

Attention the L Word!

Found it. In case you didn't already know, Mao's hand moves up and down as it ticks.

GUESS THE PLAYA!



Yeah... I think a few more entities besides only God might be judging you right now, uhh and forever from this point on. That's a cute estimate though.

Also what is that squiggly shit all around the letters and why do they curve up like that? Did your tattoo artist have a seizure in the middle of creating this nasty or was he just laughing too hard to hold the thing steady?

Friday, August 31, 2007

ATTENTION ADOGG

if you see this watch
get it for me:


Thursday, August 30, 2007

Peking Dogg - Lesson 1: 拉肚子 (lah-DOO-dzuh)

Many of you worldly readers may be familiar with the concept of Montezuma's Revenge or Travelers Diarrhea; you think you know, but you have no idea.

Let me paint you a picture. Imagine you're walking down the streets of Beijing. Friendly street vendors beckon you to survey their wares, cute Chinese children run circles around their mothers, rows of parked bicycles line the sidewalks, and a charming old Chinese man approaches you with a cart full of delicious looking kebabs. This delightful display of various raw meats on skewers is called Chuanr (chwahr). Don't eat Chuanr.


This is Chuanr. Don't eat Chuanr

These meats, smothered in fragrant sauces and herbs probably came from a dead camel someone found a month prior on the side of garbage-covered road, hundreds of miles away from the camel's natural habitat. In the rare event that the meat is good, USDA approved, prime beef, it will be fried in the same oil with the camel meat. It looks delicious; it might even taste delicious, but if you eat it, you will, undoubtedly, get 拉肚子 (lah-DOO-dzuh).

To better explain 拉肚子 I've created what I call the 拉肚子 Scale:

1-------2-------3-------4-------5-------6-------7-------8-------9-------10
Normal Solid ___________Soft Poo ________________________
拉肚子

On any given day in America, you probably experience about a 1-3 on the
拉肚子 Scale, with normal consistency, brown poo. Ate a whole dish of Chicken Tikka Masala and a few samosas last night? You might move up to a 4. Travel to Europe or Latin America and you're likely to reach the "Soft Poo" level of the 拉肚子 Scale, featuring a liquid consistency, but no discomfort. Then you get to China. Soft poo is almost a guarantee on a daily basis, but eat some Chuanr, and you're moving up to full on 拉肚子. Anticipate working up a sweat on the toilet. Vomitting is likely. Also, the toilet (if you're lucky to have one that flushes) will probably get clogged. Furthermore, you'll have to throw your used toilet paper in the trash, because that's how Chinese people do.

In closing, never leave your house.

A Dogg out.

Saturday, August 25, 2007

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

I got MEOWED AT on the subway last week.

While waiting for the uptown 1 train at 42nd street last week, I inadvertently got in the way of an angry Hispanic man in a wife beater. I was standing on the yellow line minding my own business, and I guess he decided I wasn’t appropriately positioned on the platform, because he responded by making an animal noise. That’s never happened to me before, but I can only assume it was a negative reaction. This sound was actually less of a meow and more towards the hiss end of the cat noise spectrum. It can only be expressed in writing as MEOW!, but if you would like to hear what it actually sounded like, I would be happy to reproduce it for you in person. This was clearly an instinctual response for this guy. In his mind, he thought, “bitch, get out of my way,” but what came out of his mouth was “MEOW!” I couldn’t even react except to immediately get out of the way, because when someone meows at you in the subway in new york, you get the fuck out of the way. As did the guy standing on the other side of me, with whom I exchanged a look of “what the fuck was that?” immediately following the incident. I don't even know what else to say about this.