Yes, yes, thank you， thank you. I have, at long last, returned to LOLZ!!1!
Just shut up and listen would you?!? God...
Anyway, so I was out on Tuesday night, waking up Beijing at 2 in the morning in an area of town called 五道口 (wudaokou). I was enjoying an individual-sized pitcher of beer at a delightful little outdoor beer garden, when, out of nowhere, the chair beneath my portly friend (who shall, for my sake, remain nameless) suddenly collapsed. Obviously Chinese craftsmanship is not up to the task of enormous American tokhesim.
Then, I hear to my right, a muffled giggling noise, as if from behind a fan.
I turn around to find a table of three very drunk Chinese girls laughing spastically while covering their mouths with their tiny Chinese midget hands. A little tipsy myself, I invited them to sit with us in broken Chinese. There were 4 of us men, one of whom had a girlfriend, and three drunken Chinese girls. Perfect! For some reason this hook-up math went through my head, as if I cared. I think it's just programmed in there. I have the opposite of Yellow Fever; they're just too small! Why am I in this country? I wanna go home....
But I digress... Where was I? Oh right, three drunken Chinese girls sitting at our table. None of us really speak the others' language. Recipe for success. I forget how it started --I think the Chinese girl sitting next to me claimed her shot of hard liquor had more alcohol than my pitcher of beer -- but somehow the night gradually became a drinking contest between myself and the already trashed 85 pound Chinese girl sitting next to me. Oh boy...
After a few more drinks and a few attempts by my friends to get me to hook up with this girl, she was lying face down on our table mumbling: "So sorry, so sorry. There is wrong in my heart. I love love." [Insert Chinese accent] This was a euphemism for I want a boyfriend not a random hook-up. For some reason I tried to explain to her that in America would don't love love, we just love play. If it helps explain my actions that night, you might want to know I ended up puking outside a migrant worker camp.
So I think I blacked out around this time but I'm pretty sure I have a date with her on Friday and her name is "Candy" in my phone.
Egg Drop Soup.
Ms. Dogg
P.S.
Did you know you can insert hyperlinks?!?
6 comments:
HAAAHA
i definitely want episode two iiimediately after that HOT DATE.
were you drunk when you wrote this?
...are you drunk right now?
OMG BEER BOOTS
AND AHAHAH THAT CHINESE REFUGEE CAMP.
you should probably come home now
1, no way I'm going on that date, are you kidding?
2, I was drunk on love.
3, I wish I were in your apartment smoking an enormous blunt. Right now.
AHAHAHHA andrew i don't think i've ever heard you use the WORD blunt
oh wait i forgot
you're in a frat
I find that a lot of people overuse cannabis lingo in an attempt to seem cool, so I stay away from excessive usage. However, I was trying to indicate that I didn't just want to smoke, but I want to smoke a lot. Thus, blunt.
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